Well, today was my last day of work. I returned my computer, I handed over my company phone, keys, and credit card, and I showed my boss where I had organized all of my files. Part of me is thrilled, like I could do a little dance. What a relief to no longer have this guilty feeling all of the time, which I was starting to believe was a permanent fixture in my life. I was either not devoting enough time to my work (which was out of my home), or not enough time to my family, which made me feel crummy. Most of my days were about surviving and trying to get at least some work done, but between distractions and every day life, I just couldn’t keep up. I ended up being weighed down to my computer, but couldn’t really work, so it was like I tried to work all day but got nothing done. It was not a functional system.
But a really big part of me had a very sad time handing everything over to my boss. As I typed up the manual for the job, I started to get sad realizing that so much of what I did, I really did enjoy — well, when I had the time to actually do the work. I thought about the day I was hired 2 years ago, how interesting and new it all was, how much I had prayed for a job, and how even though it wasn’t what I had hoped to be doing down here, it quickly became something I enjoyed. I guess with all things that you leave behind, even if you know something better lies ahead, there is a sadness when you say goodbye.
And finally, there is a sort of fear that I have now put myself into a category that I’m not sure I am ready to be in: a full-time mom. For years, people have been able to ask me where I work, and I have been able to give them a name of a corporation, or store, or ministry, or whatever, but now, what do I say? Something cutesy, like, “well, I work for my family,” or “yeah, my bosses are 5 and 2,” or do I say, “yeah, I don’t work,” or do I stand up a little straighter and declare, “I am a stay at home mom.” I know what a wonderful privilege it is to be able to stay home with the kids - with no work distractions - believe me, I wouldn’t have quit my job if I hadn’t have been so aware of the advantages. But I guess I am also a little fearful of what this all means. We dove into parenthood, and while our life was turned upside down, we were still able to hold on to so many things that made us who we were pre-kids. We still have the same apartment, albeit a little more kid-friendly and colorful, we still have much of the same weekly routines, the same interests, the same friends, and up until today, the same jobs. It was almost as if there was something about this that seemed kind of temporary. Like we could still get out if we needed to. And the reality is that this particular situation is most likely temporary, but our commitment to fostering and adopting is not. Quitting my job was almost like a declaration of what we have chosen for our new life to be, permanently. I am now going to be a full-time mom, probably for a very long time. It may be that we don’t always have the same children during this season of life, but eventually we will have permanent ones, and we are committing our lives to them. I am committing myself to being a stay at home mom.
But wow, how fun will that be?! I am now going to be able to sit on the floor and have tea parties with my girl. I will be able to wrestle with my boy. I can spend more time reading to them, taking them to the park, and preparing healthy lunches. I can keep a clean, organized home without feeling like I should be working on something else. I can devote more time to writing and reading books, without pictures in them. I can continue on my sewing projects and other hobbies. I can take the kids to the zoo more often, or to the pool, or to the beach. I can take my family on a vacation without having to let anyone know. I can make plans to meet with friends in the middle of the day, and have family visit us, and do so many things without having my mind be pulled, like a magnet, back to the work I know is waiting for me when I get home. It really is such a relief. My priority has always been my family — even when that was just one other person — but now I have the freedom to be able to fully act on that priority. And that feeling completely outweighs any feelings of sadness, failure, or fear. And while I may not be breaking out the sweat pants and baggy t-shirts just yet, I do feel such a sense of peace to be able to call myself a housewife, and have my sole job be something that I have always wanted and loved to do.